I wrote earlier today about my six day hiatus from the gym. I have every excuse in the book for why I didn't get there: I went to bed to late and thus slept through my alarm, I had to leave for work SUPER early a few times, my husband started rehearsals for the show he is directing so evenings were out, I had lunch meetings a lot. In fact, when I listed all of my excuses in great detail to my coworker, he looked me dead in the eye and said "so you have a lot of excuses and no workouts". Yep. That is true. I have a ton of reasons, valid and otherwise, why I didn't get to the gym. But ultimately, I didn't plan well. I didn't take time to look at my schedule and my family's schedule to figure out when I could make it work. And I didn't ask for enough help from my husband when it was obvious my lack of plan was going to mess up my chances of getting my hands on a barbell or my feet in my sneakers each day. 
I do best when I workout first thing in the morning. I get up between 5 and 530 and get it done. And when I don't....it very rarely happens. 

But I'm giving myself grace here. Our entire schedule has changed for the next ten weeks. School is back in session, I'm travelling a TON, and my husband is in rehearsals. We will rarely be home together the same nights of the week, so our ability to support each other in the evenings just went way down to zero. I missed the big picture last week and didn't see how all of this would affect our day to day.

So I missed six days in a row. And that's okay. Just like one meal off my nutrition plan isn't going to kill my progress, one workout missed won't either.

um....Janet? You missed six. 

Yep - and I'm self aware enough to see that if I don't break this cycle I'll end up with a bad habit so today is non negotiable. I've already asked for help from my husband to make sure it happens (yay me!), and I've planned my Sunday to fit in my workout, what we want to do, and what we need to get done.

We all have off days, off weeks, off months. It's getting back on the horse that matters. My planner is out, my workouts are scheduled, and I'm ready to make it happen. And still choose grace when it doesn't.

It has been six days since I've worked out. SIX DAYS. I haven't gone six days without a workout in almost two years. Normally by day three I would be chewing out my husband for some tiny manufactured slight. I would be completely unable to communicate productively with my middle schooler, deciding instead that he must have done something wrong and hunting obsessively until I find it. I would save all my patience for my four year old and then tap out and run to the gym to prevent a complete household meltdown. 

That may sound dramatic, but working out keeps me sane. It gives me time to either work through problems or shut out the rest of the world and just have some quiet time (in my head....the gym is loud - barbells and music and grunting and all). 

So six days should equal the complete and total collapse of the Bates household!

I'm happy to report that we are all still functioning and the house hasn't burned down. I'm impressed that while I will DEFINITELY be getting to the gym today so I can break this vicious cycle before it becomes a habit, my mental state was not significantly impacted with my lack of physical exercise. I've had people make joking remarks about how they could never quit drinking and raise kids at the same time, and I would always respond that instead, I worked out. But working out is no longer my substitute for a drink. There are days, few and far between, when a drink sounds really good. But really what I need is a healthy way to release emotions that are building up. Working out was always what I turned to but it turns out....I had found other ways of processing when I didn't even realize it: namely talking through them before they get too big, listening to music, snuggling with my daughter, and knitting. Yes, knitting (it's super calming).   

I read a lot about accepting and processing emotions in terms of raising kids and helping them find healthy ways to release and express their emotions so they don't get bottled up. Mr. Rogers Neighborhood was created on the premise that children needed to learn how to process emotions in a healthy manner and I'm not above using lessons for children on myself!

So the house didn't blow up and my mental health and relationships are all still in tact! Yay for growth.

I had a day today. It was a day filled with so much relief, sadness, hope, and frustration that by the time I got home all I could do was sit quietly on my bed staring into space. 

I wanted a drink.

I started to think I needed a drink.

That would make this better. My emotions would feel a bit smoother with a drink. I might relax a bit if I drink.

I haven't felt that way in a long time. 

So I grabbed my phone and sent a dear friend a message about my day, ending it with "I sometimes wish I hadn't quit drinking. A drink sounds good right now."

She wrote back that sometimes life puts us between a rock and another fucking rock. And she reminded me of my strength.

And I told my husband the truth: I wanted a drink. And he told me that we were in this together, and he reminded me of my strength.

And here's the thing. I wasn't looking for a drink. I was looking for a release from everything that was welling up inside of me that felt out of control and needed calming. (Let's be honest...what I needed was a Daniel Tiger song....Daniel's parents really did have it all figured out.)

Our strength ebbs and flows. It is not always apparent or visible. We do not always feel like Wonder Woman. And there are times when damn it, I don't want to be strong anymore. When everything feels out of control and I just want it to all go away.

But there our strength lies, not in the herculean feats, but in the quiet moments, the moments where we don't think we can get up one more time, the times when we fall apart and ask for help, the times when we accept help. Our strength lies in our ability to see those moments, not as failures, but as hurdles. Hurdles that sometimes force us to pause and breathe before attempting to clear them....hurdles that are trying hard to convince us we're done, we've reached the end, there is no strength left.
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But we get up, and get over, and keep moving.

I got up. And I put on my running shoes. And I found my release...running down the street pulling my out of shape dog behind me. I found the quiet my head needed, and the emotions subsided. ​And I reminded myself of my strength.